Nebula

why don't you ever use this anymore?

Apparently that "upload image" option is a lie, it just asks for a link to an image already on the internet. So the picture of the painting is in my scraps on dA instead of on here.

As soon as my batteries are done recharging, I have pictures of your fire painting to show you. I haven't really worked on it lately 'cause I wasn't very happy with how it was going, but tonight I tried again and ended up kind of finger-painting the fire and I'm really liking it. Anyway I just wanted to share. Hope your weekend is going well. :-)

Some days are diamonds,
Some days are rocks.
Some doors are open,
Some roads are blocked.

And sundowns are golden,
Then fade away.
And if I never do nothin',
I'm comin' back some day.

'Cause you got a heart so big it could crush this town.
And I can't hold out forever; even walls fall down.

All around your island
There's a barricade.
It keeps out the danger,
Holds in the pain.

Sometimes you're happy,
And sometimes you cry.
Half of me is ocean,
Half of me is sky.

But you got a heart so big it could crush this town.
And I can't hold out forever; even walls fall down.

And some things are over,
Some things go on.
Part of me you carry,
And part of me is gone.

But you got a heart so big it could crush this town.
And I can't hold out forever; even walls fall down.
You got a heart so big it could crush this town.
And I can't hold out forever; even walls fall down.

Because they're still in my life does not mean that they are as big a part as you, not by a longshot.  They have all made it clear to me that I am in the backburner, to be thought about, cared about on an as-needed basis as they see fit.  And you do have many more people who will actively care about you than I do.  If you tell anyone you talk to that you're upset, they listen, they will try to genuinely help you, get upset because you're upset.  If I do, I get a real response from you, and "I hope you feel better" or the same cliche answers that aren't actually offering help at all, just something to make them feel better about themselves from anyone else.

Yeah, and there's a reason why I continue to believe you're all I have.  Yes they check up on me occassionally, but that means very little anymore.  If I ever tried to talk about anything real it turns into just the painful reality that they don't know me anymore.  They used to, but I changed and so have they, and it's all grown apart.  The fact that you're even trying to tell me differently just makes it feel like you're rubbing it in that you have more people who care about you than I do. 

They're gone and you know they are.  You know you're all I have.

Time happened.  I changed, I let go of expecting to stay important to people that used to care about me.  And don't tell me about 'losing' all my other friends because honestly, they're gone.  You know you're the only one left who I really want around, and who still wants me.

That's not true... I missed him after we broke up because it was a long distance relationship anyway and the big difference was that we didn't talk as much anymore, and I didn't want to lose my friend.  But I realized that for the last few months of the relationship I really just regarded him a friend anyway, there wasn't anything more, so I ended it and left it at what it was.  Now we don't even talk, but he's in love with his current girlfriend and I'm glad he found someone who's better for him that I was.

I want to change my answer to a question you asked last night.  There is no one else in my life that I held the same feelings for as I do for you.  There is a reason we broke up, a reason why I ddin't fight for it.  I let it go much easier than I would if you ever tried to leave.  I'd be lost without you, I wasn't lost when anyone else left.  I love you, and I love you alone.  This is so much more than anything else I've ever felt, ever experienced. 
 
So to answer your question, no.  I don't still believe I was ever in love before, and I'm not sure if there's anything else I can say.

Is it better than nothing?

I'm here now, I'll be here tomorrow, I'll be here Wednesday, I'll be here Thursday, and the only reason I won't be here Friday is because I'll be at the airport waiting to come see you and my laptop will be completely de-plugged and in a bag sitting next to me and I won't want to spend the money to plug it into one of those little T1 rooms that cost $800 an hour to use.

Hey you, I just wanted to let you know I'm going to be a little late getting on tonight. When I get home from work I'm going with Mom to the art store to get the painting stuff, and I want to go quickly 'cause I don't know how late it stays open. Then I'm making a quick run to a drug store to get travel-sized shampoos and crap for when I'm out with you. I'll be home after that, just so you're prepared.